Like trying to know somebody you never met

Posted by Adrienne on March 24, 2015 in Uncategorized with Comments closed |

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Here only to be gone

Posted by Adrienne on March 23, 2015 in Uncategorized |

2ndbaby20wks

Something about approaching 40 (while pressing an imaginary brake pedal with all my might) has loosened a bunch of thoughts that were previously crammed way back in the recesses of my brain, where the cobwebs grow.

I don’t really mind getting older, other than the fact that my ass will never look as good as it did at 21, and my face is starting to reveal my true age – even WITH the defective collagen gene* that makes me look years younger than I really am.

No, it isn’t vanity that’s holding me back. It’s life.

In the vast and infinite years of TIME that have come before me, I am but a blip on the radar. In fact, when I’m gone, years from now, no one will probably ever even know I was here. I won’t be written into history books or memorialized into some hall of fame somewhere.

Where will I be? What will happen to me?

All of this living I’m fighting to do in this life – working, writing, raising my boys to be good people, marrying, divorcing, eating, cooking, feeding, making love, kissing, arguing, making up.

Inhaling my dog’s wonderfully nutty corn chip scent, taking walks, talking, listening, making decisions, buying a car, traveling, deciding whether or not to buy that glass owl ornament.

What weight do my actions hold if I am but a blip on the radar of the universe? Do they even matter, and if not, why am I living this life? Why am I here only to be gone?

I suppose this is what a lot of people start to think about at “middle age” – hence the mid-life crisis I always mocked when I knew it would never happen to me. I was young, and I thought I’d be young forever. I threw my youth into the faces of those old geezers with gray hair and trouble getting it up. That’s not MY LIFE, I would think. It never will be.

I. will. never. get. old.

I found a former student of mine the other day on Facebook. Before I had my children and turned to writing full time, I was a teacher for a few years. I taught 9 year olds in 4th grade, and the classes I taught in my few years as a teacher will stick with me forever. Oh how I loved (most of) those kids. A few in particular really made an impact and so I looked up one of my girls last week and found her. She just graduated from college.

My baby son, the one in the picture above, swimming in my amniotic fluid, living and breathing with only my body as his shelter and nourishment. I remember vividly how it felt when his little fetus feet kicked and squirmed in my belly; I’d press my hands into his movements as if to say, “I’m out here, waiting for you, but don’t come too soon, I like you with me right as you are.”

No matter how much I loved carrying him with me as a constant companion, he was born and he grew and grew and still grows in leaps and bounds. I know he doesn’t remember living inside me, but I will never forget the incredible feeling of creating life.

Now as tall as me and 12 years old, that fetus is a fully formed person stepping out into his own independence and beginning the period of his life where he will likely believe, as I did, that his youth has no boundaries. Oh how I wish he knew how lucky he is! He has his whole life in front of him, and he, like the rest of us, won’t know how incredible it is until he’s looking back over it, as I am now, at 39 almost 40, wondering where the time went, and how his own child got to be as tall as him, as smart as him – when he thought she’d stay a baby forever.

Life. Goddammit, it’s so beautiful and confusing, wonderful and awful, thrilling and contemplative!

I just wish it didn’t rush by quite so fast.

*Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome

This is (almost) 40.

Posted by Adrienne on March 22, 2015 in Uncategorized with Comments closed |

MeAtForty

Do You Like You?

Posted by Adrienne on July 16, 2014 in Uncategorized with Comments closed |

I think it takes most women quite awhile to really get comfortable in their own skin. It took me nearly 40 years, but I’m finally finding that I’m ok with myself just the way I am.

I’m not saying I love everything about my body 100% of the time. I still look straight to my c-section scar every time I look in the mirror – but my eyes don’t linger there.

I’ve begun to realize that I’m not even conscious of whether or not people are looking at me when I’m in public, and it’s an amazingly free feeling. You should listen to this song. I really hope you like you.

 

Mother

Posted by Adrienne on May 11, 2014 in Uncategorized with Comments closed |

mombike 

No store bought cards convey how I feel about my mom, so I wrote this instead.

I’m told often, “You’re so lucky” or “You’ve got a great mom.”
It never gets annoying because it’s truth.
But she’s more than just a great mom.
She’s the kind of person I wish I could be.

Always there in a heartbeat when needed,
(and not just by me but by her dear friends, too)
Welcoming those less fortunate into her home, even.
And I’m not just talking….
About ALL THOSE CATS.

cinandspice

Her needs don’t seem to occur to her until she’s cared for all of us,
In fact I’ve never met someone as selfless
as my own mother.

ethangram2

Sometimes I wonder why I got to be born to this amazing woman.
Perhaps The Universe knew I needed someone strong,
Determined, unwavering, patient, caring and kind.

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Let’s be honest, who knows if The Universe intervened,
Or if it was pure dumb luck.

Either way, I couldn’t have chosen a better mother myself,
And if I had it to do all over again, I’d pick her every time.

Because without her, I don’t know where I’d be.

momandme

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low…

Posted by Adrienne on November 26, 2013 in Uncategorized with Comments closed |

Let Her Go by The Passenger on Grooveshark
PASSENGER LYRICS
“Let Her Go”

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you’ll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
‘Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
‘Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?

‘Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

‘Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Lyrics courtesy of A-Z Lyrics Universe

Chocolate Milkshake Alternative

Posted by Adrienne on May 21, 2013 in Uncategorized with Comments closed |

healthy milkshake

By nature, I love junk food. I can’t help what I crave, but I’m also vain. I care about not being overweight – so I try with all my might to make healthy food choices about 80% of the time.

In doing so, I’ve managed to maintain my weight within the same 15-20 pound range (not including pregnancy and freshman year of college) for 28 years or so.

Admittedly, I’m happier and healthier at the bottom of that range, but even at the top of it, I’m only slightly fuller and not even certifiably “chubby.”

This little morsel pictured above has all but saved me from obesity, I think. You see, I love ice cream so much that I would eat it all day, every day if its nutritional value would allow.

Alas, I have concocted a very suitable substitute and I shall now tell you how to make it.

(I should probably tell you this will come out best in a super-duper food processor or Bullet blender. I use the Bullet.)

3/4 frozen banana (I cut up several bananas each week and freeze them ahead of time.)  – 75 calories
1 Tbs. unsweetened cocoa powder – 15 calories
1 tsp. vanilla
4 packets Splenda
3/4 – 1 cup Almond milk – 60-80 calories
2 tsp sprinkles (optional [to YOU]) – 20 calories

Total calorie count – between 170-190 calories, plus you’ve eaten fruit and had almond milk, to boot!

Typical American bowl of ice cream with sprinkles – 400+ calories

For a person like me, who’s got to have an ice cream fix, this is an easy way to cut out 200 calories every day. No brainer!

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I’m Having an Affair

Posted by Adrienne on March 14, 2013 in Uncategorized |

I meet up with my beloved almost every day; I feel lucky to work from home because it affords me the ability to explore this relationship fully.

When I’m with my paramour, I feel an exquisite sense of resounding clarity: This is where I was meant to be, enveloped in my lover’s arms, feeling warmth flood through my body as I take in all that I need, and sometimes more. I’m greedy, wanting to fill up with the ecstasy that I was missing.

Most people are surprised that my husband knows of this tryst and approves, even. He wants me to experience as much pleasure as humanly possible, and he encourages me to seek it at every opportunity.

He even allows me to invite my solicitor to spend time with our family, which is exactly what I need to thrive. Permission to explore my ability to love, even as it extends beyond the bounds of my marriage.

Waiting until the age of 35 to find Brian…it’s something we discuss regularly, how we wish we’d met earlier in life. Were it not for my amazing children who I could never life without, I’d jump in a time machine if given the chance. He is my moon, and I am his. We go round and round and round.

And still I feel the need to have an affair, you wonder. It must perplex you in your attempt to wrap your mind around something you can’t comprehend.

You see, it’s difficult for me to understand, too, because I never thought I’d fall in love again at the age of 35, and yet again a year later. Nor could I have imagined that my infatuates would mesh so well, both giving me nothing but pleasure without struggle or argument.

I’ve come to conclude that true love knows no bounds.

And it is not every man who would stand patiently by as his wife falls in love, because for many men, a passionate response in their mate elicits strong feelings of resistance. “Am I not enough for her?”

Brian watches me with a smile as I explore these new feelings, holding my hand or letting go when I need to wander.

The craziest part of all is that I want you to have an affair, too. You see, although my tryst isn’t with another living, breathing person, it is a love affair all the same, and before knowing this passion, I realize I hadn’t really lived at all.

Have a love affair with Life. It’s really fucking awesome.

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Because Canada is so Far Away.

Posted by Adrienne on March 7, 2013 in Uncategorized |

In the near future, I’m going to be setting up my website for McGuire Media, Inc. It’ll be an umbrella company for my different projects and brands as I create them. Sayvandalay.com will live happily under the MMI umbrella when the time comes.

This morning I drove the boys to school because The Ten Year Old has band practice after school and I am nice enough not to make him stuff his saxophone into a bus seat that he shares with 2 other boys.

School officially begins at 8:30AM and I dropped The Ten Year Old off at 8:12. He was all, “Bye, Mom. By the way, we’re late.” Slam. I have never felt so badly about how I treated my mother as I do now that I am a mother myself.

As I pulled out of the drop off line, I complained to The Eight Year Old about his brother, “Ya know, he could be a little more appreciative. I don’t have to drive him to school, and he’s NOT LATE. He has 18 more minutes to walk to his classroom, for god’s sake.”

And then I apologized to The Eight Year Old for complaining to him because I should not use him as a sounding board for my parental strife.

But, true to form, he was supportive, understanding, and offered as much empathy as he could.

“No, no; it’s ok, Mom. You can complain to me. I mean, I know what you’re saying. After all, I’m the one who gets dropped off second! He acts like his school is in Canada or something.”

You Want a Free Kindle Fire?

Posted by Adrienne on December 14, 2012 in Uncategorized with Comments closed |

Check out our free Kindle Fire Giveaway at TinyShift! You can enter to win every day and there are quite a few simple and fun ways to earn more entries.

This giveaway is pretty sweet; you’d be crazy not to check it out! 😉

Please share with your friends and on your twitter/FB/Google+ accounts. You get more points for sharing, anyway!

WE LOVE OUR READERS!!!

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